The Dark Knight: Fantastic. Best Batman movie ever.

Carl, I’m sorry. Ledger was awesome; I should never have doubted you two years ago.

Please forgive me.

I get the best calls ever.

Me: Thank you for calling Tech Support. Can I get your name?

Him: My name is <omitted>

Me: Can I get your phone number so I can look up your account?

Him: Sure. <phone number>

Me: Excellent. Confirm E-Mail address please?

Him: <E-Mail Address>

Me: Serial Number?

Him: <serial number>

Me: Excellent. You’re in warranty until 2010. What can I help you with?

Him: My printer won’t work with my network.

Me: Oh, this is NB tech support. I don’t handle printers. I need to transfer you to our printer department.

Him: No. No you don’t. You will help me with this issue.

Me: Sir, I don’t really know anything about our printers; the guys in the printer department are the specialists.

Him: Look, I’ve talked with them. They want to charge me money. I bought this thing three years ago. I am not going to pay more money to get it repaired just because my warranty ended four months ago.

Me: Well, I can’t really help you out with that, sir.

Him: Yes, you can, and you will.

Me: Sir, A.) I don’t know anything about our printers. B.) I can only work on the notebook because it’s the only thing I’m allowed to because of my job. C.) It’s the only thing in warranty.

Him: I have it, it has an extended warranty, that overlaps onto all of my products.

Me: No, sir, it does not. That is only for the notebook. That’s how our warranties work.

Him: You have no idea what kind of warranty I have on my notebook.

Me: Sir, I’m looking at your warranty right now.

Him: That’s impossible, you have no idea how I paid.

Me: <reads warranty verbatim.>

Him: Yeah, that means I have an 8 year warranty.

Me: Uh, sir? No it doesn’t. As I said, your warranty ends in 2010.

Him: My credit card doubled that and you will honor that.

Me: Sir, if your credit card offered you an extended warranty beyond ours, you’d have to take that up with them.

Him: Look, just fix my printer! I bought it, you made it, you have to fix it for free!

Me: Sir, if it’s out of warranty, there’s not much that I can do for it.

Him: My notebook is in warranty, so make it work with my printer.

Me: Okay, sir. Plug the printer into your Notebook.

Him: I can’t.

Me: Why not?

Him: It’s a wireless printer.

Me: Okay, well, can you connect the Notebook to the wireless router?

Him: Yes.

Me: Can you connect the printer to it?

Him: No, that’s the problem! It keeps shouting that my WPA Key is wrong even though I know I’m typing it in right.

Me: Well, sir, your Notebook is working fine, it’s connecting to the wireless modem fine, and that’s as far as I can take this issue because your printer can’t connect to the router.

Him: This is bullshit.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way, sir.

Him: Look, if you don’t fix this right now, I’m done with <company>.

Me: Sir, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for you right now, other than transfer you to our printer division, or direct you to our FREE Tech support at <website>.

Him: I expected more from <company>. You guys are the only company that charges for tech support. No other computer company charges for it. No other business charges for support. They all stand behind their products without ever charging the customer for them.

Me: I know for a fact that the other computer companies do charge for tech support. You know who else charges? Ford. GM. Mazda. Mitsubishi. Microsoft. They all charge for additional support after your warranty has expired.

Him: Look, I don’t care. Fix it.

Me: I can’t. You can try to get free Tech Support at <website> if you would like, but as of right now, there’s nothing else that I can do for you.

Him: Fine. This is the last time I ever deal with you guys. I thought your company was better than this. I thought you’d stand behind products that you built.

Me: We do, and we’ve offered you solutions to fix the issue.

Him: You haven’t done anything. I’m done with your service.

*click*

This isn’t an accurate transcript, but it does have all the key parts and it isn’t exaggerated.

Didn’t go to Chinese food. (She got sick.)

Didn’t meet up at all, actually. (She was sick.)

I’d bought three lilies, not one. She got a picture of them, because we didn’t meet.

No door to open for her.

Couldn’t argue about payment.

No probing questions.

No charm or wit to be found.

Plan failed, much as expected, though not in ways that were expected.

Back to the drawing board.

I am going to go eat Chinese food tonight with a pretty girl who I think is delightfully charming.

She has a thing against cars, so I won’t be picking her up. This is also the first time we’ve met in person.

When we meet, I will give her a lily, (just one) and whatever small fluffy thing I find later today that she will like. We discussed it; she wants a present when we meet.

I will open the door to the restaurant and let her walk in.

No matter what she says, I’m going to refuse to let her pay for the meal. Because that’s the kind of guy I am.

While we’re eating I will probably ask several probing questions, trying to determine what she likes, (some of which I already know,) and what she doesn’t like, (some of which I also already know.)

While I’m trying to be witty and charming, I’ll probably goof it up and come off as sarcastic and crass. Hopefully it will be endearing. It has been so far, I think.

This is the plan. It will not happen this way.

Will divulge differences when the night is over.