By the way.
In case you don’t understand addiction.
That shit -never- goes away.
You might quit. But addiction is -always- there.
Addiction is scary fucking shit.
Not a little bit.
When you’re shivering and sweating and cramping and can’t fucking move because the only thing your body can think about is getting your next ‘fix’, whatever it is, is terrifying.
When every hour of every day for the rest of your life you think about how good your vice would FEEL right now, even though you quit… is terrifying.
When you get near it and you say "no" in your brain but your body takes over with something stronger than your iron clad will that makes you USE what you NEED because your BODY tells you so and your mind SCREAMS no to you but you watch in HORROR as the needle plunges in, or your lips wrap around the pipe, or you take a drink, or you strike the match and ignite the cherry on the end of the cigarette… you’ll realize you’re fucking terrified out of your mind.
Addiction is being HELPLESS for the rest of your LIFE
If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, I don’t know what could.

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I’ve practiced this for hours, gone ‘round and round.

I don’t see you every day, anymore. I don’t talk to you much at all, actually.

Yet there remains a tangible feeling of you being in my life.

And I miss having you around. The sound of your voice, late at night, laying in bed. The times we spent talking about nothing at all until you passed out. Staying up late just so I could catch your attention for a few minutes before you fell asleep.

Then everything broke, and I have to admit that was my fault completely.

And now I think that I’ve got it all down.

But then, I have had to ask myself if that was such a bad thing? We were destructive, you and I. Amazing together, in many ways, but so very wrong for each other! You, with your impish ways, me with my jealousy… It was no surprise that we wouldn’t work out.

You, of course, had the foresight to understand that things between us could never work. Maybe our chemistry burned to hot for us, or maybe it wasn’t hot enough, I don’t know.

You often times pretended that you didn’t care, though I think I’ve come to know you well enough over time to understand your lies for what they were – A way to protect yourself from saying aloud what was in your heart.

And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds.

I can’t blame you for that. To say something as simple as, “I care about you,” gives someone else a huge amount of power over you. I know, I gave that power to you. To your credit you didn’t ever try to hurt me with that power. Which is surprising, knowing you, and a big credit in your favor, as I know how you’ve handled that sort of power in the past.

Cause I’m not takin’ the easy way out!

Now I’m sitting here, not sure where to go. You’ve been a big part of my life for so long that I can’t rightly consider where to go in my future, since things aren’t the way I thought they could be.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t push forward anyway. This is, as much as it is anything else, a way for me to come to terms with a situation that I have ignored for months now. An attempt to recognize what happened, and how we got where we are today.

Not wrappin’ this in ribbons

And so I try to give the absolute most honest truth I can, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job thus far.

Shouldn’t have to give a reason why.

It’s no surprise that I miss you sometimes. I think you’ve probably missed me, too. I don’t know that for sure, though. I hope when you look back on our time together, you remember the fondest times moreso than when we were bitter and mean.

The barbs we knew how to throw were tipped by knowing the other so well, yet we, neither one, knew the other half as well as we could have if we’d just stopped bickering and trying to protect ourselves from being hurt, or hurting the other.

But then, I guess things wouldn’t have worked out for the best, would they?

Its no surprise I won’t be here tomorrow.
I can’t believe that I stayed ‘til today.
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow.
And I know in time we’ll find this was no surprise.

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I’ve been reading some old books again here recently.

One of my favorite authors is R.A. Salvatore. He’s a fantasy and sometimes science fiction/fantasy author who choreographs great fight scenes and epic tales of heroism and character building depth.

I was turned on to him by my Mother on Accident – Most people know of him for his work in the Forgotten Realms Fantasy Series. He’s known as the Father of the Drow – One of his most famous characters is “Dritzzt Do’urden”, a Drow Ranger. Using this character, and several books, he crafted the Underdark of Faerun.

I discovered him through his own independent work, however. He started a series called, “The Demonwars Saga”. Three books that detailed a few characters in a world he crafted with his own hands. I read the second book in the series in 2002, on a trip to Louisville Kentucky for an FFA event.

It would be about a year before I would pick up the other two books and read them, ironically on another trip – This time to Washington DC.

The main character, if there is one, would be Elbryan Wyndon. He’s a “Ranger” crafted to be the very depths of a Hero. Cunning, Courageous, a man that leans on his friends and understands his weaknesses – Though after years of training and work. He is not perfect, and he is not overly flawed. He’s a well balanced character.

He uses a ‘magic’ called Oracle, where he sits alone with his thoughts and communicates with his ‘dead uncle’. His Dead Uncle never speaks to him, so Elbryan is left to sort out his own answers while speaking aloud in a dark cave, or a hole under a tree.

He finds that by talking, he can come to great wisdom that he merely needed to hear in order to access. This is how he allays several of his fears, and even some of his biggest decisions. He recognizes, sometimes quite by accident, that his path is different from what he planned.

In this, I can find recognition, for reading over old musings, or re-examining older thoughts of mine, I find how differently things are in my life now, or how those thoughts lead me on the path that I am now on.

How different, for example, would my life be if I never discussed Jenn in my most private of conversations- If I hadn’t wondered about the course of my relationship with Michaele? If I hadn’t, in a heart-broken rage, yelled about Christine C, or argued with myself over leaving the latest temptress of my heart behind?

If I hadn’t spent hours wondering about the time when I was practically homeless, living from friend’s couch to friend’s couch?

How different would I be today if I hadn’t taken the time to search inside my mind for what I felt, and verbalized, (or externalized, as this writing shows,) those deeper flaws in my life?

I find I am a better person for the different struggles I have faced. Without them, baring the last relationship, I wouldn’t be where I am now. If I hadn’t fought with Jenn, I wouldn’t have lost my job. Without Michaele’s cheating, I may have remained complacently spun. Without Christine’ C.’s honesty, however painful, I never would have met so many others who were so strongly influential in my life. Even the ones I am not proud of, (Kat and the Latest Flame) have changed me in ways that I am still learning to accept.

Without them, I could never be so honest with myself, knowing there are people who read this, such as Raz, who discuss what I write with others to better understand me.

I take this with me into my regular life as well, for honesty doesn’t mean speaking without thought – A subject that was broached at work today. I asked a senior tech if he wanted to become a supervisor. His response, completely honest and with barely a thought involved marked him as one that would probably never be promoted.

“Yeah, I think it would be a blast to have a group of my own.”

I carefully picked my words in reply; I did not want this to be a possibly wasted opportunity.

I say that because I felt that I had a better grasp of what it meant to work in part of a larger machine. To be a cog, with a place to fit, and a job to do.

“If you didn’t take such a laid back approach with the team, and sometimes took a few seconds to think about what you’re saying instead of spouting off whatever hits your sleeve first, you would probably be a supervisor.”

The answer was not, perhaps, what he wanted to hear. I could see in him the change immediately, from a simple conversation to a defense of his very ideology and it was then that I was sure he wouldn’t become a supervisor, or anything higher than a senior tech.

“That doesn’t fit who I am. That doesn’t fit me. I’ve played those games they play in that office, and theirs is a thankless job. Nobody in there gets thanked. They don’t own their work. What they do belongs to a nameless VP. When they see a storm coming, they say, ‘Lets not tell anyone.’ I am down here in the trenches with you. When I see a storm coming, I pop my head up and say, ‘Hey. Storm’s coming.’ I own my work out here. When I get on the phone with a customer, they aren’t getting some VP who they won’t remember. They’re getting me, and they will remember my name and that I am the one that helped them.”

In thinking about his statements at the time, I had mentioned that someone else would just claim credit for his hard work; that he didn’t really own his work because someone else would take credit for it.

I think, however, I had misunderstood what he was saying. In truth, he was merely explaining in specific depth why he was not prepared for a job as a supervisor.

My old Boss, (One of many in this business,) had introduced me to an idea called “Servant Leadership”. It is often tied closely with Christianity, as it espouses many of the same principles, and tenets.

Servant Leadership is about recognizing that you aren’t better than your ‘employees’. You’re there to support them. To facilitate their enjoyment of work. Making sure that they enjoy their time in their job, and that they are prepared. Often times, you shoulder a heavy burden for them, without ever letting them know.

My new Boss wrote us an E-Mail today, saying, “Your Employees don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” I’m slowly coming to accept this sort of change in my own person, and in the way I approach my job.

The Senior Tech in question, by way of his response, has not. From the energy I felt him put into his statement, to the very words he chose, I can now see that he is more interested in personal development and being ‘the guy’ that solves the problem.

And there is nothing wrong with that kind of pride. It just doesn’t fit well into a thankless, corporate structure at all. It isn’t in everyone’s blood to be able to give everything they have and not get personal acknowledgement for it. To not receive gratitude for their contributions.

Perhaps that is why it is hard for some people to make anonymous donations… They want to be thanked, and possibly thanked publicly for their contributions.

~James C.

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We went stir-crazy last night. We never get out and goof off anymore. So the guys and I went to the track and tossed around a nerf football.

Tons of fun; great time.

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This was in response to a facebook status message about abortions.

Abortion – y/n Is a religious argument, in my book. I don’t ever hear non-religious reasons for saying "NO" to abortions. It always comes back to sanctity of life, and then the argument boils down to when life begins – which leads back fundamentally to "God".
I know that’s where your argument comes from too, Kris. We’ve spoken about it before and I’ve heard you speak about it.
Government shouldn’t be run by ‘collective morality’ – what’s right today isn’t always right 40 years from now. (Hello Cancer Research being condemned by the catholic church – Hello Medicine’s being condemned, etc. etc.)… See More
It’s a dangerous, and completely incorrect view to say, "My was is right, you have to do things this way," because it isn’t ‘obviously right.’
A small percentage of the money used will be used to fund abortions. Yes, Abortions are Tragic. Yes, there should be fewer of them. No, I don’t have the right to say, "You can’t have one." to someone. I can offer my opinion – I can refuse to do it myself, but I can’t stop them from doing it themselves, anymore than I could stop someone from doing Meth or Drinking ’til they Vomit. – That isn’t my right. And it’s not my right to demand that someone let something grow inside of them for 9 months if they don’t want to. I can’t claim that kind of imperative, and I don’t think anyone else should be able to, either.
Anyway, a small amount will go to abortions. A large amount will go to making people live better and healthier. Maybe if people were healthier and lived better, abortion numbers would fall, since they no longer live in circumstances where they would need to make that kind of difficult choice.
But hey, that’s just me. I’m an optimist at heart.

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Found some awards of mine from HP. This isn’t all of them, just the ones in this particular stack. Figured I would post’em since I have nothing better to do with them right now.

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For you I’m alive, told you I’m awake…

Man, I hate waking up early with nothing to do.

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I don’t post enough pictures, so here are some.

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I start writing things and then half-way through I delete them and decide I didn’t want to write about that dumb topic anyway.

I am going to go over to Eric’s today and see about fixing his mother’s software problem.

After that, I’ll be bored. Jordan, (roommate) has to work at 4PM today.

Looks like I’ll probably be moving next month, or in March. Mom’s moving out, (haha, how often does –that- happen?) because she thinks she’d enjoy living with my sister more than with me. I don’t really care. I’m moving half-an-hour closer to work so I won’t be complaining at all. It will probably be cheaper to live there, too, so.

That’s what’s going on in my neck of the woods. Ciao.

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